What hurts the most
by sugar coated bullets
Summary: A oneshot [angsty] Royai fanfic. I think you'll like it, if you ever heard the song What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts


Through his black, glass eyes he stared at the grave. It was frost bitten and covered in snow, but with his bare hand, he wiped away so that he could visibly read the name.  
It hurt him every time he read it, but somehow, he always hoped that it was mistake and that this wasn't her grave. He hoped that one day he'd wake up from this nightmare and he'd be back in Central, working on paperwork, and with her beside him.

**I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house  
****  
That don't bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out **

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok

But that's not what gets me

He remembered the fight. He remembered her angry eyes as she gladly accepted her mission, her last mission. Tears began to form, as he grew nostalgic, revitalizing the words that were thrown,  
"I'm leaving Central,"  
"Go then!" He shouted.  
"I thought you'd be happy about my promotion and my new mission, sir." She responded, loyally. Her auburn eyes burned a hole through his bottomless orbs. Roy could feel his heart pound in his chest. He even considered telling her then that all he wanted was for her to stay with him, to stay safe and to tell her that he loved her. Truth be known, he never once doubted Riza's abilities as an infantry solider, much less a marksmanship sniper, but what bothered him was that even the best men die in action.  
"Your just angry because you can't"—  
"Your wrong, I'm just worried because I lov-" He cleared his throat and turned around in his chair. He folded his arms overlooking his window and the clouds that rolled by.  
"What were you going to say"—  
"Just leave, go on your mission. Your dismissed Hawkeye." He snapped. He heard her footsteps begin the leave but she paused. Roy waited…  
"I'll miss you too." And her shadow disappeared.

**What hurts the most **

**Was being so close **

**And having so much to say **

**And watching you walk away **

**And never knowing **

**What could have been **

**And not seeing that loving you **

**Is what I was tryin' to do**

He dropped to his knees and reread the name as the wind pierced his skin.  
"Here lies Riza Hawkeye, First Lieutenant of National State Alchemic Military" Oh god how he hated those words. _Here lies...Here lies_, it echoed in his mind. Roy felt the tears, hot and bubbling, spurt from his eyes...He gasped. He let his fingers traced over both cheeks. From his missing eye, under his patch, he could feel a single tear fall. It was so warm...

**It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go **

**But I'm doin' It **

**It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone still **

**Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret**

**But I know if I could do it over **

**I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart **

**That I left unspoken**

As he fixated himself comfortably in the cold, he glanced past her grave and into the hills. Roy then looked at himself. He could feel nubs along his chin, and he could touch the thick, heavy bags that hung under his eyes. Ever since her departure, he's been a wash up, a drunk. He was dressed in navy blue slacks and a stained white dress shirt, covered in his black trench.  
His friends, Havoc, Breada, Armstrong and Fury were also slow and sometimes very quiet around office since she was gone, but they weren't affected like Roy was.  
He was utterly devastated, like a toy's whose battery ran dry. Consistent with crying spells he managed to live each day with the sheer memory of her Jasmine scent bruising his office and his trench coat.  
He let his hands dig deeper in his pockets...Something crunched in one of them. With his shivering hands he pulled out a folded up piece of paper signed by Riza. His heart began to skip beats as he unfolded each crease.

_Dear Colonel Roy Mustang, _

_ I know you must scoff as you read this, but I had to let you know my deepest concern. While I am gone, you must finish our paperwork, you know how important that is, but this letter isn't to inform you of your duties; in fact, it's just the opposite.  
__ Sir, often I've always been strict and very tight around office. I've always been protective of you, and the others but that's because you are my very best friends. I must say, I have never been so happy to fight along side such wonderful officers. But you, Roy, have given me strength on and off missions and you always manage to make me smile at work. I'm going to miss you, now that I've left for this mission. I know your upset, I figured as much. I didn't want to leave myself sir because you had a lot of paperwork to be done, and I know how much you've already slacked off. I also found that I was searching deeper within myself...  
__ From the moment I took First Lieutenant as your lower ranked officer, I wasn't exactly pleased working for a louse but you changed all that. We've always been together, through thick and thin and I've always felt like I was in good hands. I started to feel differently of course, like I was beginning to fall in love with you… I know that's absurd and awkwardly childish but my heart cannot help who it chooses..  
__Don't worry I'll stay safe and when I get back, I promise to get you to the top sir, count on it! _

_PS-See you back in Central in a few short months! _

_Love always,  
__Your First Lieutenant  
__Riza Hawkeye. _

**What hurts the most Is being so close **

**And having so much to say **

**And watching you walk away**

**And never knowing **

**What could have been **

**And not seeing that loving you**

**Is what I was trying to do **

**What hurts the most Is being so close **

**And having so much to say **

**And watching you walk away **

**And never knowing what could have been **

**And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do**

**Not seeing that loving you **

**That's what I was trying to do**

"Colonel, we regret to inform, that you'll be reassigned with a new replacement." Havoc said with red eyes. Water spilled down his cheek.  
"Havoc, what do you mean, replacement? Dry your eyes soldier! Hawkeye is coming back..." Roy's voice trailed off as he looked up from his desk.  
"Right?" Rooy inquired with shaken stability. His breathing stopped.  
"No sir, she died in combat."  
"No. Riza's not dead." Roy laughed. He tried to mask it...he kept telling himself, _don't cry you fool, she's not dead, she'll be back in another month_.  
"Sir..." Havoc couldn't even light his cigarette.  
"No, I don't believe it." Roy persisted with prickling eyes.  
"I try not to myself, sir." Havoc said as he stood, shaking.  
"Riza cannot be...she just can't"—Roy felt it. The tears rolled over his lips.

Roy Mustang stood from her grave shaking from his old, forgotten past. It was present day, and he was standing over her grave, like a lost dog. It was the worst day of his life, receiving that news. He folded the letter again and _kissed_ it.

"Riza," He choked as tears drained to the corners of his mouth.

"I love you too, and I'm so sorry that I never had the chance to tell you myself."


End file.
